In honor of the Summer Comic Book Movie Blockbuster Trend…
BlueCloud: Don’t let the blue glowy vaporous hair fool you, or the white satin gloves on baby blue spandex and black outfit. BlueCloud is a next-gen tech fanboy’s dream. We don’t know what his super powers actually are, but EMC says we shouldn’t judge him yet. Just think of all of the potential. (Solid State Devil certainly is. He has blue smoke in his eyes as he contemplates losing his green latex dome mask for a wilder hair look in green sparkles.)
Solid State Demon: He’s fast, at least on first write…on subsequent writes, he’s only half as fast. But that’s still pretty fast. When he’s not dressed for success in his latex green body suit, specially built to prevent memory wear and read disturb, he’s just your average storage array vendor sales rep dreaming of standing out from the pack. He believes that the day will come when he will green the infrastructure by getting rid of all mechanical storage — that’s a vision he’s had since getting shocked by a capacitor in electronics class back when he was 11. In his off hours, he enjoys collecting long vacuum tubes during his antiquing adventures.
Server-V: The Human Hypervisor: His red and gold logo are legendary, as are his red tights and golden cape. This bold, square-jawed hero is on the vanguard of a movement to convert all physical servers into virtual servers, so they can be controlled…er managed… more efficiently. He must first destroy LAN and SAN infrastructure, erasing these reactive ties to a disorderly bourgeois past. His superpower is a massive PR budget that can be used to make his technology seem inevitable, but his vulnerability, known only to very few, is application-on-demand technology such as that being developed long ago by arch rival Parallels. Thought to be vanquished, the remnants of Parallels have only scattered to remote locations working in silent stealth to a goal of counter-revolution. Stay tuned.
Disk Vader: Previously part of the Storage League, he has been seduced to the dark side of the storage fabric by Emperor Vimware. Together, they plot to destroy all independent storage infrastructure, moving it to an Evil Machine Corporation Imperial CLOUD Platform. (Episode V drops shortly.)
Power Pig: She’s ugly. She’s mean. But you wouldn’t know it if you were walking behind her. She does 500,000 IOPS using 3000 short-stroked drives. Forget power demand, that’s the facility guy’s problem! Climate change is just a myth anyway. She’s all about speed and capacity and spindles and has no time for those tree-hugging, avocado dip, creamy smooth liberals out there. She wants a partner who is down with exploiting all fossil fuels on one massive data exchange. Drill, baby, drill.
Value-Adder: An old nemesis who joins proprietary software to proprietary controllers to drive up the cost of otherwise commodity gear and create isolated islands of automation around each storage array. They say he has always been with us, from the days of the Garden of Eden, when he seduced Eve to pick the Apple from the tree of Genius…eh, Knowledge — destroying God’s harmonious plan with Microsoft and ushering in competition in a world without standards. Value Adder has the rap and knows the score. When he isn’t prying dollars from the wallets of the least well off IT buyers, he DJ’s at strip joints.
Mr. Big Data Head: New to the scene, Mr. Big Data Head is one big phenom. Born in Idaho, where he detected one case of voter fraud in over two billion votes cast over a 30 year period (providing the fodder for a tigher voter ID bill), he now stands as a hero to a growing cadre of Big Data Scientists who believe that better data mining woo, and perhaps some improved analytic algorithms, are the key to a return of stable IT employment and the fruits of a middle class lifestyle (row house with underwater mortgage, friends — well, on Facebook, postage stamp yard for undersized/overbread dog, 2.5 gender uncertain kids with a spouse who is addicted to reality TV, etc.) .
They’re big. They’re bad. They are the League of Shiny New Things in Storage. Coming soon to a data center near you.